Home Dating Mindset My Top 3 Tips For Optimising Your Brain For Dating

My Top 3 Tips For Optimising Your Brain For Dating

written by Mel Schilling, Psychologist

We all have baggage.  We have all been hurt, disappointed, let down, let go and endured the roller-coaster ride of past relationships.  This is life.  It happens. 

We can choose to allow our past to define us or we can let it go.  We can either be a victim to our past or we can be a champion for our future.

Be your own champion. 

Brain Science 

The bad news is that our brains are hard-wired to focus on negative things.  From an evolutionary perspective, our primitive cousins needed to be hyper-aware of threats and risks in their environment in order to survive and continue the species.  Thus, our brains developed over time to be highly attuned to threats and negative stimuli in our world. 

This means that as modern humans, we are naturally inclined to look for negative cues and are biased toward the dark side. 

The good news is this.  As mature, evolved, rational-thinking adults in the modern world, we have choice. 

We do not have to be slaves to our negatively programmed grey matter, we can take control and decide to think, feel and act in a positive way. 

The Dating Brain 

In your dating life, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of allowing your past to define your future.  Sometimes, it becomes an excuse for not taking action.  A reason to stay on that comfortable couch rather than taking a risk and putting yourself out there.  After all, your brain was programmed this way … right?

Wrong.

Here are my 3 tips for creating a positive mindset to set you up for dating success:

1. Clear the space 

Make an active choice to accept that your past experiences have formed part of who you are today.  Take the lessons from your past, I’m sure there is gold in there – decide what you need to learn.  Write down all the things you have learned from your past relationships, the things you will now do differently in the future as a result of these experiences.  It might be hard, but find a way to express gratitude for the lessons (despite the heartache).  Read your list a few times and commit it to memory – then destroy it!  Yes, that’s right.  Screw it up, tear it up, drown it or burn it.  Make it no longer exist.   

Symbolically, you are clearing the space > moving your past relationships out of the way for new thoughts, feelings and ideas to come to the surface.

2. Choose your thoughts 

Decide on the self-talk that will serve you in your dating life.  Negative thoughts are an inevitable part of the human condition, they are often automatic and we can’t control them.  But we can control what we do about them.  When your ‘old’ thoughts come up, e.g. ‘all men cheat’ or ‘all women lie’, choose to reframe them.  Develop your own set of dating affirmations to replace the old way of thinking.  Something like ‘I am ready for love and have so much to offer my next partner’ would be a good antidote to the negative thoughts of the past.  Write your affirmation and place it somewhere prominent, make it your screen saver, set it as a pop-up reminder on your device.  Make it a part of your every-day thinking patterns. 

 3. Visualise your future 

Now that you have created a clean slate and a new way of thinking about dating, it’s time to get really clear about your future relationship.  Each night, just before you fall asleep, spend 10 minutes imagining yourself 1 year in the future.  First, take 5 deep breaths and really allow yourself to let go of the day and relax.  Imagine you are in a great relationship with your ideal, perfect partner.  Don’t focus too much on what they look like; just create a picture of the life you will build together.  Delve into how you feel in this future state, allow your imagination to take you wherever your intuition wants to go.  This will enable your sub-conscious to open up and release your deepest desires. 

So this is your choice.  Decide to create a positive dating mindset and set the wheels in motion for the future relationship you deserve. 

Happy Dating! 

Mel x

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